I didn't know I'm behind it.. Sorry!!

Basically i do not where to start again... Blogs giving me pressure... Hmmmm.. Lots of blog to write... but no time to write... Im writing this because i need to today...

Basically it's about what happen today... I dunno that you went through so much... Im waiting for this day.. Where i noe that im doing wrong... The whole things will be better if you did not cry when you talk to me...

Hmmmm... I do not know what else to say... Just as you say, no one gave you a choice... You got no way to go, no other way to breath, you r blur of what you should do, and you seriously do not know what else to do ady... hmmmmm...

When you say it, i get damn sad... I tot i helped you those days... Now only i know everything is upside down... Hmmmm... I do not wish to say sorry ... It's meaningless for this situation... But thats the most i think i can do... Haiz... It's been meaningful day... I hope whatever you say was abit earlier... Now, we are like at the end of everything... hmmmmm...

But i still couldn't understand... Y after everything only then you will tell... You could have stop me... And not purposely i said dont want to go... I did not purposely act like i dunno... I did not... I do not know what else to say le... I wan to talk to someone about this again... A feel like i did some big wrong... Haiz...

Everything is like a big turn now.. Hmmmm... Just very speechless... I was responsible for that tears again... Btw, next tuesday, i promise others for my presentations and i got notes stuff to do ya... Just dunno how to explain again... DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^^

I JUST DO NOT KNOW.... N STILL I DIDN'T KNOW I'M BEHIND IT....

4th week of 5th semester…

Do you know what happen if there are lots and tons of misunderstanding in life??? It brings you down to the hell... That’s what I’m going through now… First four weeks, it’s extremely tough for me… I cannot handle everything by myself… feel like cry out loud… feel like shout out loud... feel like go back home and sleep… feel like let go everything and ran away again… feel very regretted… What I was happy for is what I’m regretting or depress so much now… It’s so damn cool ryte… AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! FFIIIISSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! F!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please… I cannot anymore…

I do not know where to start… hmmmmm…

Last semester I had a drastic change in my feelings… This few weeks I got drastic changes in my life… Ppooofff!!! Everything changed… Everything… Hmmmm… First was my assignment group… I hope only few subjects I would want to join other group so that I can know more about other people in my class… End up, I’m totally out of my usual team… It was quite a mess when it happens!! I was seriously pissed… Being so long in one class could not even give and take in important situation… It’s so damn dumb!!!! It was seriously sad not only because I’m out of my team only but also for my fellow friends… Now, I’m out of my usual team, I’m one step away from the three that I always admire… Hmmm… Haiz… Speechless… I don’t like this… I got to start all over again… Hmmmm… Now, I got to be with different peoples… hmmm…

Next was my camp… I was extremely excited that because this is my event… We went to Dusun Eco Resort… I never believe that I and my team actually did it… It’s like the first event in my entire life… I know I need a lot of people to teach me this and that… All around me possibly can give good encouragement… But end of everything, I just feel it would be better if I’m on my own… Everyone around me was so much better than me in experience… So damn better than me… Hmmm… But…. Haiz… I know one thing before I go… I’m alone… all alone… Hmmmm… In the camp as well, I was so damn pissed… I can’t do anything... I felt energyless… Pointless… Especially my dearest WL… Do not know what else to do ady… I wanted enjoy to the max… It comes once in my life time… There is no more first time ady… This first time was ruined again… I ruined myself in front of all my besties… It was second fall of this semester… Hmmmm… Two times… Now, it’s done… I hope I can do it all over again… Just seriously, I want to do it all over again... Please… I hope the god hears me… hmmmm…

This two main event has brought down me a lot this semester… Then, CF… I do not what’s the problem between us… Maybe because I talked too much??? Who knows…? I do not know how to tell ady… Please do mind… I’m a human… Everything you said disturb my mind a lot… I do not know what else to tell ady… You are my third fall of this semester… Hmmm… I’m speechless about you… Just hope you doing good… I do not know what the problem is… N I do not know it is problem or not at first of everything… Just, you are my third fall…

Here comes my greatest fall… My dearest WL!!! Oooi!!!!!!!!!!! What happen to you??? You acted seriously damn weird.. Especially this fourth week… a lot of thing I already tell you… I tot you understand everything that I told you… and I was so glad… a felt like I can depend on someone… A felt like my burden was becoming less… but… but……. I din know that whatever you understand is totally different… I waited this Tuesday like I wanted to see what you want to do… But you know what, you are 360 degree away from what I tot you will do… You became someone that I can’t depend on… I can’t talk to you… Your ego still with you... Mine as well… Hmmmm… What the… Hmmmmm… fourth week, my burden all doubled… My worries doubled… my sadness tripled… I become more and more depressed!!! I do not know what to tell ady… Im dying inside… haiz… Im speechless… let me answer your question first… You wanted to know what is difference if whatever you told on Tuesday will be if you tell it out on Sunday right? Hmmmm… Everything is already explained up there ady… I tot you understand everything and you are alright with everything and you agree with my opinion… I do not want you to change fully without understand my meaning properly… That one message is ruining me and you now… Yeah… You did everything… correct... You are good… Can I ask you one thing?? Where is our friendship now?? There is none of it… WL... Please… I know you are very depressed… Everything about you is so damn sad… Hmmmm… Haiz… I don’t like…. I don’t like your blog or whatever message… I don’t like… Act like normal first… That’s the important part.. You are determinant of everything about me and you all… Just decide it… I’m in or I’m out… Haiz… I know how you feel… you can’t run away from me… I DON’T WANT you be sad because of me… DON’T WANT ah… Hey… I want to talk to you… I want you to understand.. Please!!!!! I can’t write anymore… I cannot write anymore ady… I’m superbly sad… Dun worry it’s not because of you… It’s because I just lost myself… I’m drowning again.. Into a huge dark sea… The sea of tears… Trying to swim up and up…

For once, I wanted things to be good back… And that’s how all went wrong… I wanted to treat you all the same… I want to see you all happy… But everything upside down… I’m very sorry everyone… I’m too pissed… I got no time for myself since first week.. im very much in tension… I got so many things to do... I’m depressed… Under geramji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmmm…. Haiz… I dun like this… I just dun like myself anymore… Now, I just don’t like who I am… It’s no longer cool to be me… That’s all… Gonna stop writing… When I’m stop writing, you sit just beside me… It was total different than before… It’s not you.. It’s not me and this is not the world I wanted… It’s all gone… Everything in me just flew away… WL, now, there is one thing I’m very very worried of… If you want to help me.. Do this properly… Study for the next week test…I want to c you score flying colours… I want to c happiness in your face again.. As happy as before… as lovely as before… and last but not least… as my FRIEND as before…

I’m a bad guy…(13/09/10)

It was around 2am… I haven’t slept… A lot of things running in my mind… One thing for sure… It’s all about memories… I was lying on my bed… Sometimes smile at myself… Sometimes, got angry of myself and asked myself why not I do something better… hmmmm… And then, I was checking all the picture in my handphone… Something was just missing… Her picture… BBCC… A feeli like to look back all our picture… But all those picture is inside my laptop… Was lazy to switch on my lappy… Slowly, I slept off…
Woke up at 1pm… My sweet friend woke me up… Her message woke me up… I slept so long… Hmmmm… It’s another boring day… Quite unusual day… It’s her I think about again… Hmmmm… I told myself to look at files later on… Then, I was quite busy… Quite a lot of things come up… So, for a while i had forgotten about her… I went for my first football in this semester break… I help my sisters in her studies… At around 1am(the next day), I lay down on my bed again and watched the very first harry potter movie… I was on my bed with my lappy… The movies finish around 3am++… Couldn’t sleep… She comes into my mind again… Hmmmm… I open the files again after so long I didn’t thought of opening it… I look through all those picture… It’s like it was once upon a time it happened in my life… I didn’t noe I recovered so much faster if compared to my first one… Quite happy for that… Olden day’s things just came back in my mind… A feeling of hatred all over in my heart… Especially when I thought of the first semester… And I learned about one thing that day… People remember only negative part of others… They never remember what has others helped us in those days… Humans… Another poor minded creature… well… I’m one of it… I can’t help it… After that, I open all those conversation that I saved in lappy … I still remember that I only saved few conversations that make me looked bad… I did that for purpose… Because I do not want to think bad about her or specifically I want to make myself look like bad guy… hahaha… Yea… I read back all those conversations… It’s like I do not know why I was so angry those days till I talked like to her… Hmmmm… I felt like I am a bad guy though… And today, I felt like apologize again… So, here I am to say sorry again… People’s heart changes… My heart is softening back… Thus, I’m sorry… And I saw one of our conversations…. It goes like this… “If one day I know I was wrong, I shall not or must not even think of going back”… That’s what I told…. Hmmmm… And now, I’m still with the same mind… I won’t even think of going back… There is no way I will wanna think of going back… This is what I chose... Even though I’m bad, this is what I want… And THAT’s IT!!!!

4th semester break^^

It is semester break again… Physically everything seems normal… It’s fourth times I brought my exam slip inside exam hall and do finish the damn paper to ensure I achieve my freedom… Ooops… It is boredom… Hmmmm… A lot of things had happened… Everything changes… Yeah of course!!! Things changes as human changes… But the abnormal things are it is a 3 month drastic changes… hmmmm… guess things have to just be like that… one thing for sure… I cannot describe anything about my feeling… It’s also undergoing a drastic change… Every moment, it gives different feeling… There was none of the day that I can be happy the all day… Something sure comes up… I was lying to my friends and most importantly myself… Well!! I can’t help myself… Even now, I’m having a headache… I do not know what to write but I got a lot of things to be expressed out… hmmmm…
Early of this semester, It was a relationship problem… I suffered for few months… It’s was a time where my friends came out to help me… After that, friendship problem came across my life… The problem is still the same… Aaarghh!!! Tension… Why things have to be like this… My only problems are still these girls… Make my life so messy… Sorry for that female species… I do not want to say that… Relationship and even friendship… Great!!! Wonder wouldn’t it would be better if I was all alone in this world?? Hmmmm… Impossible!! I knew I need friends but haiz…

BBCC
BBCC is just gone from my life… She is just not in list anymore… You are officially blacklisted!!! My friends do make me feel that I do not need you anymore… Actually, I wanted to let things go and talk to her after some while… Thanks to her… She makes it impossible… I do not know why she has to do this… Things must always goes on her way… And yet she still talks about why I couldn’t act nice to her… And OMG!!! I need a list from her to tell me about how I suppose to act in front of her… After all the fight, I got to receive message of sorry… Lame!! Why do you even need to start…? And yeah!!! I’m extremely disappointed to you… You told me you want to study… Hahaha… Last minutes are still your style… Hope you feel sorry for talking great… Hope your brother and your new boyfriend is there to support you… Good luck in your life… Maybe my hearts will find you because I can’t lie to myself that I do not know you… God bless you… Especially your mom… Hope she is doing great… Hope everything goes fine in your life…

Ta-chi
Hey cute voice… A lot of things that I should have tell you… But I didn’t do that… Probably, I’m still pissed!! First thing, I’m seriously very sorry for ignore you… And I think I will continue to ignore you… Do not angry on me because this is what you chose… don’t tell me I didn’t come to talk to you… Before everything gets worse, I tried a lot of time to talk to you (mostly in msn)… But your feedback is just what make me got pissed… That’s even where you told me not to care about you… Hmmmm… I tried and I gave up…. First of all, why you have to do this?? And seriously I hate your emoness… One day, you will be damn emo… The other day, you will be okay again… Please don’t live by your feelings… I’ve been die-hearted… It’s was a very long gap since the last time you called me ta-chi… I want to hear it from you again… Hmmmm… I do not why before the last exam you bought me sweet… I do not want to take it… You left it there and I have to take it… Hmmmm… I messaged you a thanks message… Hmmm… You called me ta-chi… That time, I smiled… I couldn’t believe it was you… It was a quite long smile… But the next moment, the smile just fades… Because I know this things won’t last… haiz… When you cried after FA paper, I wish I was beside you to make you feel better… I miss you as my old friend, I do not like the way you are now… I know you got a lot of problem but problem is part of life ar… I hope you won’t make problem as your life… Seriously, I’m looking back for you………

Watermelon lover…
It’s just one semester time, we’ve been very close… A friend like you is just one of a kind in this world… Hmmmm… all the way, you change my feelings… you have been the determinant of my feelings… So, I wish you know… You got to change a lot!!! Seriously damn a lot… I spent almost 75% of semester time with you… Aaargh… Bored of the same person… hahaha… just kidding… Thanks a lot to help me endure at the early of my semester… I appreciated it a lot… You try to help me and you wanted to make me feel better… And that why you always accompany me… thanks to you… I would have been so alone… I can’t imagine what I’ve done… Hmmmm… Just a millions of thanks… And that might not even enough… Hmmmm… Hey… Thanks once more… Basically, I hope you will change… You are very weak now… I’m sorry to make you depend on me so much… Hmmmm… And yea… one last thing, you can stop trying to figure out how I think because I myself couldn’t get an answer for that… At the same time, you make me understand about myself more too… thanks… And watermelon lover, there are still a lot of things in this world that you have to know… You get emo fast now days… You make me pissed quite a lot of times… I do not like when you show face to me… And I Hope to see you happy all the time… And you got to know that a problem is a problem when you see it as a problem… So, take problem easily and I know you manage the problem… I’m not telling that I won’t be beside you… But I’m telling that I’m always being beside you but you should know how to manage it yourself… okay?? Watermelon lover, the memories that we create in this four month is just too much… lolz… I can’t get my eyes out from those pictures… Thanks again… There is my very own wish that I want to ask you for the future… A strong girl… That’s all… Hmmmm… Before I end this part, Watermelon lover, I cared for you the most… I wish to see the change in you… And don’t live by feelings as well…^^ Hmmmm… The day when I go back, you are the only one I don’t even feel like I’m leaving you behind… Because I know the whole semester break you will teman me… I wasn’t that sad after all…^^ Thanks for everything, you monkey…

Fiancee…
All this while, I’ve been admiring you for what you do and everything… Hahaha… You are perfect as always… You are the only one I won’t seriously care about... Because I know you can manage yourself… Hmmmm… Yeah!!! Seriously, I do not like the part where you break up with your boyfriend… That’s the only thing that i was so much unsatisfied with… I mean you are just like care for your own feeling… Hmmmm… I hate that part…. But anyhow, things just happened… I know you got problems… And hey!!! You can always find me… Hmmmm…Why you are hesitating for that??? When that day you message me like that, I felt like you’ve changed also… Hmmmm… Oh my dear fiancée, I believe I do not need to care about you… Because I know you are as awesome as always… And about your studies, I admire the way you studied in first semester… You change but don’t change a lot please… Because you are someone with good things but if you change… POOOOFFF!!! It’s all gone… God bless you with everything that you do… You ask me whether I will support you on everything or not… And my answer will be hell yeah…^^

Juniors…
Hmmmm… Basically, I’m speechless about you guys… Funny, cool and whatever best things…. And I feel cool to be your seniors… lol… People often ask why I ask always hang out with juniors… My answer is who else I got if go back to hostel?? Hmmmm… 1whole semester… WE study together, sleep together even sometime bath at the same time, eat together, football, and care for each other, uno together… Hmmmm… Awesome time we had… This is my first time my hostel life changes… For one year, I was so alone… And this is first time, when I said I want to go back home for the semester break, you guys shook my hand and hug me before I go back… Hmmm… Pretty sad!!! IT was a feeling like I’m being cared… Thanks to all of you… Sorry if I did anything wrong guys…^^

Goldfish…
Sometime I do not know what I’m doing… The feeling towards her is just not growing… I feel like go all the way for you… Hmmm… This is not the time… Let’s wait till your final finish… If we are still good, then, we can think about it… But for now, I’m closing our chapter… But the existence of you, make me feel more lovable and yeah I do like you for the way you are when you proposed to me… A remembrance for you, let time to decide… I’m not going to make any decision for now… But I won’t deny that you make me think a lot about you… I will wait if you are ok with everything…^^ that’s it…^^

Hmmmmm…… A lot of thing is just happening… Hahaha… I think I started to learn how to manage it… It’s good… Probably this is what we called as essence of life… Life is a big experience and a big thrill…^^ Things just not in our way… Hmmmm… Well… I can hope but things won’t always come as my wish… For me, I just don’t want to care for a thing… ant to just let thing go its way… I’m lazy to think about it… Kinda worry about next semester… My camp things… The night things… my studies… Problems… Financially… My tummy could explain what I meant by financial…^^ Well!!! I could just hope… Life with full of hope… Think of going back school… but no point… What I’m going to do there… Everybody got their own life and preparing for exam… Hmmmm… Maybe I will go for the NS reunion and go out for some movies with friends and do some job to get some money…^^ Plan is done… I think I should start the execution part… This semester break isn’t gonna be so bored… I got a lot of things to look back and learn…^^ Let’s learn… The education of life…^^ YYYEEEEAAAHHH!!!! Another new journey…

WHY things have to be like this????(16/8/10)

A very very bad start for this week... Last Sunday and Saturday... I make up my mind that this week my ultimate is not that i have to revise my studies or i'm must finish my society thing but to make my sweet best friend to have some happy moments together especially this Thursday!!! But things always doesn't come our way... haiz...

On the first day itself... everything went wrong... Basically it's about the noob LRT service again... Aaaarrrggghhh! Lazy to talk about it... It was a total bad day... being ignored by the close ones... that day, after i reach my room something very bad happen... After a long bad day, i came into room... I put down my bag... I lie down on my bed... Just a moment before i lie down... The heart-shaped phone chain thing which was a present from her broke down and fall off to the ground... Oh my god!!!!!! I took care of the thing like my own baby.... That moment was superbly sad... I couldn't do anything... It was so sad... Haiz.... That moment i couldn't think of anything else except her... Things never been this worse ryte???? The heart fallen day... extremely sad...

To my dear friend... I do not know what to tell... Everything seems wrong today... I don't wanna argue about it... And HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks yea... For everything... I make me pissed... but only for that moment... After that, everything is alright... I just hope you will be OK and of cos help me on this Thursday ultimate goal...^^ OK??? Hehe... and help me in my studies yea... I need help on my MAF!!!!!!!!! Millions of thanks wouldn't be enough for you... hmmmmm.... But just thanks, my dear friend...^^

The day I ran away from problem!!

Hmmm… It’s been so weird… The whole day I wasn’t so good… I feel something bad… This more toward to my sixth sense… A lot of problems in my mind… I couldn’t get a way to settle down with my problems. It’s just a problem. I took it easy as usual… In a way it was cool… I kept on thinking about it that day… Nothing about BBCC…^^ Hmmmm… Out of a sudden, my dad called me asks me whether want to go back home not… it was abit unusual if I go back on that day… it was Tuesday… I used to go back on weekend… and I usually think a lot to go back… I did went back...

This was what happens when I start to think a lot… On the way back, I felt I’m like running away from the entire problem… My reason to go back was just to go back home to get a proper sleep… Noobnya!!! And the coolest part among all of it on the day was I couldn’t even get to sleep properly… Although I slept for quite a long hour(it was enough for me), my eyes simply was just too tired… Hmmm… My mom woke me up… She asked quite a lot of questions for why I came back and everything… Hmmmm… Mom, I do not how answer your entire question… I do love you all deep inside…^^

Come to my problem part…. I always don’t like to tell out my problems because I do not wish people to see I cannot handle my problem… at the same time, I can handle this entire problem… Everything is hjust because time…. Time is my biggest enemy for now… First, my studies… my assignment and studies… My accounts papers, tax, entrepreneurship, and finance!!! My time is just not enough for me to finish it up… second, society… My camp things… I’m like abit scared to let my friends to do it… It make worry when we didn’t get the reply from the camp management… Not enough time lor… I must finish it end of this month… AAAARGH!!!!! Third, Friendship… Not a very big problem… It’s just one of them out of so many friends of mine… Hope the way you think can make you feel ok… In my eyes, you are just a failure… And I’m superbly sad for how you are thinking… Good if you are okay! God bless you, friend!! And lastly, me!!! This few days, I’m like so blur in everything… Hmmmm… My test results weren’t as I expected… SXXT… I’m worried… at the same time, I’m not worried… Haiz… I do not know… But whatever it is… My problems will be solved… I will be okay… just fine… God bless me… Hmmm… Yeah… Forget to tell how I felt the whole day… I was very happy in the way of sad…^^

End of this post…~^^~
V(^@^)V

Blur-ing moment of my life!! Decision time, Goldfish!!

Oh gosh… A simple thing that could get my life alive back… Couldn’t believe that I am so lovable…=.= I’m not going to do flashback of stories between us in this blog… It’s gonna be short and sweet…

I get to go back my beloved alma mater (secondary school) to attend prefect’s family day… This event actually does call back all the seniors to go back school and have some fun…^^ The whole event was superb… Everything was all perfect until I get a shocking message from my junior-Goldfish the next day… Oh my god… You made me speechless… And now itself, I do not know where to start…

Ooi, you made my day happy back... That is something for sure… At the same time, you make me feel so messed up… And I never had been this blur... Thank you… It’s something very new… I’m laughing at myself… I do not know how to explain here… Haha… Hey… I still can’t get why I am thinking about it so much… I’m asking my best friends about this thing… As in whether should or should not?

And somehow, this is my decision…. Goldfish… I do like you… I gonna do my best for you… And listen… I don’t want get a correct girl at the wrong time… You are a correct girl but I kinda feel like it’s wrong time… At the same time, I don’t want to lose you… I need to know how you feel right now… And then, we get to know each other more and better… The love has to be there… As I said before, the feelings have to be there… I need something more from you… Maybe we should go for some date together and learn about each other more… how if suddenly you don’t like me? Anything can happen… Read through my blog and you will understand why I say this… I want a long relation… I’m just scared to be committing in another relation… I know I could say a yes now itself to you… But what is the point if I don’t feel it? You get me? I want you to be straight to me… Tell me if anything… I want to know what you think… As I said, I do always respect girls’ decision… By the way you message me, you seem to be far more mature but I feel like you still underestimating the future… I want you think again for better… I am promising my best for you… And can you do that too? That’s all I want to know… I’m not telling time will make the decision but I’m telling we will be good in time… it's confidence... if you dun understand message me… ok?

Goldfish… The more I think about you, you could just get so much adorable… I do not understand why… I got to talk to you or atleast meet you… I could only hope things will get good between us… And seriously, you are different if I compare to both of the ex gf… It keeps me strong that I gonna love you more… And yeah!! I would be waiting for your final decision… It’s all on your words now… I promise to give my best… We need time… We do really need time… Are you ok with what I say? I would be waiting for your message after you read this… Do reply me… Thanks…